progress

i had the pleasure of sitting down and having a great conversation over coffee with two good friends of mine just the other day. we jumped from topic to topic discussing how each of us felt about any given issue, but one of the topics rang in my head for the rest of the day.

we were discussing what "success" meant or should mean for a church leader. one of my friends raised a very interesting point when he said, "i think success shouldn't be about numbers, but about growth." in my head, that seemed to sum it all up, but, at the same time, it seemed to be lacking something. after taking time to think about it, i think there might be a little more to that idea than meets the eye.

as followers of christ, what is success for us? is it numbers? is it growth? is it even possible to reach a point of success? success implies the end...the goal of any given task or journey, but what should success look like for us in this upside down kingdom of god? is there a point at which we achieve that which we are seeking? and if so, what happens when we get there?

maybe success looks nothing like we think it should (as thing usually do in this way of life). according to leo tolstoy, progress is success for christians. progress implies the ongoing effort for that which we seek. progress is constant and doesn't stop. it keeps going. tolstoy argues that the crux of the christian faith rests on continual, not on achieving and goal. tolstoy states,

• "[success] consists only in walking in the choosen way, in getting nearer to inward perfection in the imitation of christ, and outward perfection in the establishment of the kingdom of god. the greater of less blessedness of a man depends, according to this doctrine, not on the degree of perfection to which he has attained, but on the greater or less swiftness with which he is pursuing it.

doesn't it make so much sense? we are not called to be like the pharisees and become stagnant in the perfection we have achieved so far, but, instead, we are called to be like zacceus and the woman at the well and the robber on the cross, who were in constant progress toward perfection. we must continually remind ourselves that "it was the lost sheep that was dearer than than the ninety-nine that were not lost," and it was the "stationary righteousness" of the pharisees that christ despised.

i think that tolstoy was spot on when thinking this way. i also think my friend was just as right. we are not called to get to some place and stop, but to go...continually. too often we think we have made it to the end and reached the goal, but, really, it is only the beginning. there is always room for us to grow and more to learn, but too often we think we have made it to the end.

let us not become stuck in the "stationary righteousness" of the pharisees...

let us keep going...

let us keep pressing on...

let us keep making...progress...

where the heart is...

i love home...i love my house. i love my brother and my parents. i love my friends. i love savannah and its beautiful downtown streets. i love my church. i love everything about my home...

but even at "home" i feel away from home. i can't seem to feel like i am where supposed to be. it's strange when you feel like you belong somewhere else when you are at home. home is supposed to be the one place where you can always feel like you belong, but i can't seem to find that here anymore.

this is not the fault of any of my family or friends. my mom and dad have always given me the best, and i love them more than any words could explain. my brother is my best friend, and i wouldn't know what to do without him. my friends mean the world to me and have always been there for me. you guys have done nothing but love and provide for me, but something still feels...incomplete. i love "home", but i feel like my heart is somewhere else. i love my friends and family, but my heart is not here at "home".

these past few months have been out of control. i went from being absolutely sure about what i was going to do with my life, to have no clue about what i am supposed to do or how i'm going to do it. it's scary to look down the road in front of you and have no idea where it will lead you, but to know that this is the one you must take. this is where i am, frustrated and waiting.

i am ready to begin my journey down the road, but i know it is not time yet. i am ready to find where it is in this world i belong, but i know i must wait a little longer. they say, "home is where the heart is," but i don't know where my heart is right now. i may not know where it is that my heart is, but i intend to find it. i don't know where i'll end up, but i can't wait to be there.

i don't know where to look, but i will...

it's scary, but i trust christ will take me to a place i can belong and call home...

i am ready now, but i must wait a little longer...

another great day

today was a good day...

today i had the chance to be with friends while loving some people we've never met before. it was nice to be able to focus on someone else today besides myself. i'm not using exams as a cop-out, but things do get extremely busy during those last few weeks in a semester. it's hard to take a break from something you're paying that much money to do, but i know that that is no excuse.

someone told me once that as christians we must continuously fight to be the last things on our minds. it's hard isn't it? i can't just be me, can it? so many times we justify what we do because we "need" it. we get so caught up in what WE want and need, that the single mother who works 60 hours a week to feed her 4 kids are forgotten about. that's the one thing i struggle with most, just remembering that it's not all about me.

the best part of my day was at the very end of our hot dog hand out. we had just finished playing footbal with some guys we met in the park. i was hot, sweaty and (most pressing) hungry. after i had settled down and cooled off a little i decided that i could eat. i got to the table and there was one hot dog left. in my head i screamed, "salvation!", but it was not to last. just after i finished putting mustard on my delicious looking beef frank, a woman walked up and asked if we had any left. now in my mind i had many justifications for not giving it to her: "she probably doesn't even like mustard", "my hands are dirty, she doesn't walk that all over her hot dog", "but im so hungry", but i couldn't do it. i wanted too, but i just couldn't do it.

at that moment, while i was trying to justify taking a bite of that hot dog, i realized something. i didn't know how hungry she was, i did't know what she were she was in life, and i didn't know what she had to go home to. now i realize that a hot dog can't fix her life, but knowing that someone care might. that moment got me thinking. how often do i choose to take a bite (metaphorically) of the hot dog and choose myself over another? we are called to be last, but how often do we choose to be first?

that one moment made the entire day worth it to me. if everyone else would have turned down the hot dogs, and she was the only who asked, then i would have still given it to her. why? because it liberated me from myself. i was released from my own chains because i chose to love like christ did.

it was a good day....

i think i'll do it some more...

fleeting hope

do you ever feel like it's all over? like there is nothing left you can do? like any effort is futile?...

i know that there have been times in my life where i didn't know why i was even trying anymore. sometimes the fight is too much, and there is nothing we can do to stop what is coming. things happen that we have no control over, and the light of hope begins to fade and that's just for me. i have no idea what people who have real problems begin to feel this time of year.

i have no idea what it is like to not be able to buy your children christmas presents. i have no idea what it is like to spend the holidays on the streets. i have no idea what it feels like to spend christmas day alone without a single phone call. i have no idea what feels like when you think no one cares. unfortunately, we are too distracted by all the pretty lights, commercials for the lastest thing, and the vision of sugarplums dancing in our heads.

there is so much hurt at this time of year, but much of the time we are so focused on our christmas plays, hanging the lights, and shopping lists that many fall between the cracks. this time of year is supposed to be a time to remember that hope that came to us in christ, but, unfortunately, it gets lost in all the wrapping paper. this time of year is supposed to be one of peace and goodwill towards men, but, unfortunately, 30% off is grounds to trample another human being to death at the local wal-mart. this time of year is supposed to be a cheerful one for everyone, but, unfortunately, many spend it alone thinking no one cares.

it this time of year that so many are forgotten about...

that so many give up...

that so many loose hope...

we have the chance to make this time of year what it should be, even if only to few people. we have the obligation to see to it that people know we care, so they can know that christ cares. at this time of year we have a chance to bring the hope of christ to those who feel there is none left.

many feel like giving up...

many feel like it isn't worth it...

and we can show them that...

there is always hope.

the problem

i'm a very critical person. i don't think that is any surprise to anyone who has known me for more than a day. because i am so critical, i know what i like and what i don't like, and i find myself spending much of my time at church (or a church related event) picking it all apart and telling myself what i would do differently. i hate so much that i do that, but it is who i am and has brought me to the point i am at right now.

as i was sitting in d-group with a group of my friends discussing what we thought was most and least important for the modern day church, i realized something. i realized that what i was taking part in was getting us no where. we all knew what we felt was important and what was not, but none of us was truely doing anything to see the church become what we felt it was meant to be. sure we are all attending churches, we are all doing our own thing to serve the community, but none of us is doing anything to see that the church becomes what we believe it was meant to be.

what we are doing though, is sitting around talking about what we don't like and what we would do differently...like so many other christians in the world. what is wrong is that we are only contributing to the problem. everyone is willing to put there opinion in the mix, but only a fraction is trying to bring about that which they whole-heartedly believe in.

i think that is where i am. i'm so tired of only contributing to the problem and not seeking to be a part of the solution. i'm tired of talking about what i believe the church should look like and not actively doing what i can to see that it looks that way in my life. i hope that i'm not alone on this one. i'm not saying there is nothing good happening in the church, but many have forgotten what it was meant to look like (that one is for another time).

we could talk about this all day, but i don't want to...

we could have the greatest ideas yet, but unless it is acted upon it's worthless...

i just want to be a part of the solution, not the problem...

reinvention

i have had a wonderful thanksgiving break. i have had the chance to spend time with my friends and family, while resting and forgetting about school for a bit. i also had the opportunity to join hands with hundreds of people i don't know in a effort to provide meals for those who otherwise would not have one on thanksgiving.

that day has come and gone, but i can't help but continue to think about. i can't help but think about the smiles on the faces of those who rarely have one on their face. i can't help but think about how many people's week went a little better because they know someone cares. that day was beautiful. that day was a "thin place", bringing many to the edge of the reality of the kingdom of god. that day got me thinking.

i love thanksgiving as much as the next person, but this year was different. it was hard to gorge on food when all i could think about were those i had looked in the eye earlier. i had never though much about it before, but thanksgiving doesn't make much sense when i look at it through my christian lense. sure, we should be thankful for all we have, but shouldn't we do that more often, rather than setting a day aside to eat rediculous amounts of food, all the while thinking about everything we have? it might just be me, but it seems sort of selfish in a way. though it may not sit well, i think we could make it work.

maybe it's time we try and reinvent thanksgiving. maybe it's time that we spend thanksgiving making sure others have something to be thankful for, instead of being so proud of all that we have, and forgetting about our neighbor. im not saying that thanksgiving is wrong, because it's not. it is a beautiful day of thankfulness and community, but too often we turn a blind eye to those with nothing so that we can handle eating our body weight in turkey and pie.

i can't help but wonder how many people spent that day alone because no one asked to to be apart of their family. i can't help but wonder how many people went that entire day without being told how much they are loved and cared about. and it scares me to think how many people went that entire day without anything to eat, because we were to busy cooking and stuffing our own faces.

what if we joined hands too ensure everyone had something to be thankful for?...

what if we gave someone with nothing a simple meal, rather than eating until we get the "meat sweats"?...

what if one day a year wasn't enough for us?...

what if we reinvented it?...

going

i want to go. i have wanted to go for a while now. i got sick and tired of talking about going and decided that i was going to go. so now, here i am diving into the deep end learning what means to go.

i am incredibly excited about all that i have been led to. i am apart of an amazing team of people here at the school called the "fuller group". we are a group fighting against substandard housing in the metro-atlanta area. we have completed our first project, and it was beautiful. we were given the opportunity to make some simple repairs on a home (caused by the tornado last march) in the community that the owners were not financially able to repair. we painted, cleaned, and dug up a huge stump and were the hands and feet of christ while doing it. the five people that head up this group are some of the most loving and caring people i have ever met, and i am honored to be able to work with these individuals (you know who you are guys, thanks you so much!). and this is how i am going.

from being involved in the fuller group i have been given the opportunity to serve on the "fuller center for housing" metro-atlanta board as student voice. for me this is a chance to motivate even more college students to make a difference in the community that they are in. i've been given a way to spread my passion for people, let others know that there is work to be done, and that they can make a difference in a family's life for the kingdom of god. and this is how i am going.

acc has decided that they want to take a group of college students to san tiago, chile. i heard about the chance to go and get involved in the ministry there, and i jumped at the chance to go. we will have the chance to see how their campus christian fellowship and various ministries and churches function. it costs money...alot of money, but it is a chance to love on someone who just wants to know that someone cares. and this is how i am going.

i was so sick and tired of not going that i applied to an organization called "camp china". this organization sends college students to provinces in china, vietnam, and hong kong to teach 14-18 year old students conversational english. it'll cost money...alot more money, but i will be able to spend five weeks with 15 chinese kids that i have never met to love on them. and be a friend to them. and hang out with them. and show them someone cares about whether they make it in life. and be christ to them. it'll be five weeks in a place i never thought that i would be. and this is how i am going.

i am seeing now what is to go. i want to go. i need to go. i MUST go, not becuase of me, but because my king has told me to. because my lord has ordered me to meet the needs of the broken, hurting, lonely, and lame. because my savior has given love and grace to me, so i must give love and grace to all those around me...so that they may know about him.

i got tired of not going, so i went, and doors opened, and beauty came out it. and i'm still going. and intend to keep it that way.

i don't know when, where, how, or what i'll be doing, but i'm going...

and i just want you to go with me...will you?

slapped in the face

you know in movies when one character is talking all kinds of silliness and starts to freak out, then another character slaps him/her in the face whilst yelling, "snap out of it!"? well i had one of those moments this week. just substitute me for the character talking all sorts of silliness and god for the guy slapping and yelling. let me elaborate...

the fuller center has their first project this saturday and all of us are so excited, but we had to raise $300 in 2 1/2 weeks. now, to us, it did not seem like it would be too hard, but after 2 weeks had past and we only had half the amount we needed, i began to stress. i do this from time to time, not because i was stressed for me, but because i HATE letting others down. the deadline was approaching, and we needed money.

when this group finally got established i actually felt like we could make a difference, like we change something, like we could bring justice where it was lacking. i was sure this is what god wanted for me for the next year of my life, but then we needed money. i began to question why god wouldn't provide the money if this is what he wanted? we are out to make a difference and change communities, but then the fact that we needed money distracted me from trusting this is what god wanted and that he would provide.

later that same day, after spending quite some time stressing about this, one of our team members (bethany) brought in the collection box to put the money with the rest. in that box was around $130...in one day! i didn't realize it at that moment, but it was right then that god slapped me accross the face and told me to wake up.

long story short...we have the money. and not just enough money, but almost 50% more than we set our goal for! it may seem small to some, but for me it was huge. god provides, but too many times i take my eyes off him to make sure i have all my bases covered. god provides, but too many times i want to fix it myself, rather than just trust that god will.

i am still unsure of what will come from this group, but i know that we WILL make a difference.

i don't know how we're going to do it, but we WILL change something for the better.

and in a world lacking in justice, i know that god WILL provide a way bring it here.

there is so much work to do, and we need help...

but god provides.

let down...

last night was a very depressing night. i do not make that statement because barack obama won, but because of the response to it from a certain group of people...the group of people that i stand with.

as i was sitting there watching the television waiting to hear the news about who won, i decided to get on facebook and check out what others were thinking and saying. i wish that i never did. it was some of the most depressing things that i have read in quite a while. i read things like: "america is going to hell now." "im leaving the country." "its the end of america as we know it."

now i expected to hear that from many different types of people, but i never expect my brothers and sisters in christ to say things like that. what has happened to christianity? do we really think god can only use the white collar, anglo-saxon republican? have we become so shallow and unfaithful that we are willing to bad mouth a man who is trying to do his best for his country? what has become of us that we are willing to stoop to such a low level?

i have done my share of bad mouthing, so i am by no means leaving myself out, but i am depressed that we have come to this point. we all made our own decisions (hopefully informed ones), and we should respect each others decisions. jesus did not have a candidate in mind that was better or holier than the other, because jesus works with what he has.

lets stop this childish argueing.

lets end this tension.

lets realize that it's not the end of the world because a black, democratic man is in the white house.

and lets embrace the fact that christ is in control, and it'll be ok.

P.S.-do not ask who i voted for, im not saying.

defying gravity

it was a great night. i just got back from a wonderful night out with my friends, i'm listening to my favorite album (Once), it's warm inside and cold outside, and i'm writing. for me, it doesn't get much better. all in all, its just been a great weekend. the best part, hands down, would have to be that i had the pleasure of seeing the musical Wicked. it was fantastic musical, but the best part was the words of one of the songs (Defying Gravity).

the song came at the climax of the the story, when Elphaba discovers that the Wizard of Oz is not at all who she thought he was and can no longer go along with his plans. Elphaba decides at that moment that what she once wanted is not what she thought it to be, and she can't want it anymore. at one poin in the song, she sings these amazing words:

i can't want it anymore
something has changed within me.
something is not the same.
i'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game.
too late for second-guessing.
too late to go back to sleep.
it's time to trust my instincts.
close my eyes and leap.
it's time to try defying gravity.
i think i'll try defying gravity, and you can't pull me down.
--exerpt from Defying Gravity from Wicked

when i heard those words, i nearly lept out of my seat to sing them myself. there comes a point in our lives, as followers of The Way, when we must decide what the calling of Christ means to us. i think that is where i am at in my life right now. i think that is what i am trying to figure out right now. there are times when i want to scream, cry and pull my hair out, but they pass. there are times when i am completely lost and disoriented, but they pass. and there are times that are full of beauty and truth (like my experience at the Fox Theater) and they stay with you for the rest of your life.

we go through life thinking that we know what we want, but one climatic moment can change everything. we are sure we know what life has in store for us and what we are going to use the life we have been given for. for me there came a moment when i realized that the calling of Christ MUST consume me. it was this moment when i realized that i can't want the old way of seeing things anymore, that i can't go back to sleep. i see the need for love everywhere i go now, and never want to go back.

i have come accross an amazing prayer on one of my friends facebook photo album. when i read it, i sat there and could not stop from thinking that maybe its time that i wake up. there is beauty in these words and i hope that she does not mind that i use it:

when i can no more stir my soul to move,
and life is but the ashes of a fire,
when i can but remember that my heart once used to live and love,
long and aspire--
oh, be the first, the one, the calling,
before all answering love,
and in me wake hope, fear and boundless desire.

friday night was that moment for me. i am finally at the point where i can only go one way or the other, and i have decided to do what may seem impossible. if we cannot come to such a point in our lives, then how will we ever know what we can do.

so i ask...will you join me? will you join hands in trying to make a difference? will you try to bring about kingdom change in this hurting world? will you close your eyes and and leap? will you join me on this journey? because when you are at this point in your life, there is no turning back.

this is what i have been waiting for....

a chance to try defying gravity

try

it's been a crazy week, but it ended great. sunshine and hot weather don't really do it for me, and it has been overcast and drizzling lightly all day today (friday). i think it is a beautiful day to end this particular week on. it's cool with a light breeze, not to mention i feel i get some of my best thinking done to the sound of rain drops crashing down on everything around me. rain forces me to sit still and relax, to stop and think...and that is what i have spent most of today doing (and it's not even over yet).

the past few weeks have been strange. all i can think about is what i am supposed to do with my life, where i am going when i finish here at ACC, and how am i supposed to do what i am supposed to do when i don't even know what it is. there has been a few points in my life where i thought i was 100% sure about what god wanted me to do with my life, but never have i been so unsure. i love the tought of teaching church history for the rest of my life, but i also see the needs all over the world and feel like such a hypocrite tellings others to meet them while i sit in school. the road to teach is not an easy one by any means, but it is safe. the road to serving globaly is no easier than the previous, and it is anything but safe.

the truth is...im scared.

scared to committ and fail.

scared to let people down.

scared to let god down by missing his calling for my life.

im scared...but it's a good scared. you see, for the first time in my life im seeking what god wants to do with my life, not me. for the first time in my life others are the main factor in the plans for my future. for the first time in my life...

im the last thing on my mind.

there is a world of people out there hurting...starving..........dying, and not nearly enough people helping them. there is a world of people crying our for love and not enough people loving them. im in a world groaning for change, and all i want is to be to be that change. whether in america, china, africa, or wherever else, a difference must be made...

and the one thing i know about my life right now is...that i have to at least TRY to be that difference...

because "god doesn't require that we succeed, only that we try..."

forgotten...

i think i might be one of the most forgetful people in the world. i've been told that i could destroy the world with my clumsiness and forgetfulness...and i don't doubt it.

i say that to say this...things are forgotten (on purpose or not) and sometimes it can destroy part of something very beautiful. say da vinci forgot to pain the eyes or nose of the "mona lisa"...it would lose its beauty. things have are beautiful are only so if they have everything they were intended to.

i feel that we as christians have forgotten an essential part of what salvation is, of what all is to take place at the foot of the cross. sure, we as christians are leading others to the foot of the cross, and we are explaining to them that it is there that we are able to lay everything down. every bit of that is beautiful and it has changed many people lives, but there is more and without it the picture isn't half as beautiful. salvation is not just laying your life down and embracing a 'happily-ever-after-with-jesus" mentality, but laying your life down and picking up the task of living a new one. amazing and wonderful things happen at the feet of jesus, but i feel that an essential part of what happens at the cross has been left out.

we have spent so much time getting people to repent and lay their lives at the foot of the cross, that we have forgotten to tell them that their is an entirely new life to pick up and live. we have made sure to inform them of all the don'ts and what they can't do anymore, that they don't know what they are supposed to do!

we have forgotten to let those at the foot of the cross know that it doesn't stop there, that there is more, and that they have a purpose in life now. we have failed to mention that christ died AND went through the other side into a new life. and now he is offering us the chance to begin that life. he is offering us a life of liberty, freedom, love, and justice. jesus is offering us the chance to forget about what matters to us and embrace the chance to spread the love that christ has given to us.

i would say that there is nothing christ-like about sitting at the foot of the cross smiling up at jesus. we were never meant to let things end at the cross, but to venture away from it, imitating christ so that others may find him. i believe that the way of christ is the best way for me to live my life, not becuase i think it will gain me favor with christ, but so that others may get a glimpse of christ...through me...

let this not be...forgotten...

he's there

today was a good day.

i saw the most beautiful thing in the world today.

i got to see a group of eighteen people gather together to meet the needs of a community. i got to see these people get dirty, nasty and sweaty in the name of the King. i got to see people fall down, get hurt and keep going so that someone else besides themselves might benefit from it.

it was hot. it was tiring. and we were in a dirty, nasty apartment complex. we did lawn work, cleaned up scraps, gardening, and anything we could to bring life back to this broken down area. but i felt closer to jesus there than i feel at most church services. there was nobody there to thank those who came out, but they did it with smiles on their faces. they were in a place that could make a clown sad, but they shone like christ anyway.

its funny, i always get it in my head that im going to take jesus to the people who need him, and i end up falling apart because of how close jesus feels at those moments. i think there is as much benefit to us as followers of the King, as there is to those whose needs we are meeting. we can get so desensitized to jesus when we aren't answering his call to love.

go and love, and find jesus in dirty and nasty places.

in the places where you get dirt under your finger nails.

in the broken and lonely places.

in the tired and hurting places.

he's there.

i promise.....

tangibility

so i really love coffee.

so naturally i find myself sitting in McKinney's coffee shop here at ACC thinking about things and wishing i could drink coffee all day for the rest of my life without it being detrimental to my health.

as i sat there today, reflecting on all the thoughts that have flooded my head this week (literally flooded, because there is so much to them i get lost in them).

it all started when i read in a book about a lady who discussed her reason for coming to be a follower of christ. as i read i found something very interesting (interesting, not surprising). she said the what was most attractive about christianity was these christians she met at a poker night at a pub. she said the way the talked about god was nice, but what it was that caught her eye was the posture (the way they put their love for others on display, without regard to who they were and what they did) of these christians. they chose to sit down with her, and take a ginuine interest in her life over a pint. by the end of the night they had invited her to come have dinner with them (not go to church and forget about her) and walked her to her car.

i have spent most of the week asking myself, "why i have put so much emphasis and telling people about jesus instead of living like i want to be like jesus?" why am i not helping build inclusive community (community that is willing to accept people as they are and love them to making an informed descision on what they want to do with christianity) all around me? why am i hiding in my christian bubble instead of being with those that i want to have a heart for? if you want to have a heart for the poor, you have to be with the poor. if you want a heart for helping the sick, you have to be with the sick. if you want a heart for preteen, malnourished kenyan children, then you have to go and be with them.

we are so busy talking people's ear off about the great and mighty things jesus has done, that we forget to ask their name and shake their hands. we spend so much time trying to "get people saved" (a.k.a. pray a migical prayer) and then disciple them, that we don't give them time to process what it means to become a follower of christ. what if took an interest in someone and let them see jesus in they way walked and talked, then when they have a guine intrest about why we do what we do we begin to assist them. all the while watching jesus transform their lives. our posture speaks so much louder than we could ever yell in someones ear. our posture brings tangibility to "good news". we become the "good news" to those who have been looking for it their whole lives. why are we hiding in our gated communities (churches) telling people to come to us?

maybe it is time we realized that the kingdom of god can be everywhere from the slums in africa to the suburbs in america, in a pub, coffee shop, or house. maybe instead of sitting in our houses after work, we could wait at our windows for our neighbors to come out to get their mail and pretend we are doing the same just so we could strike up a conversation and invite them over for dinner. maybe instead of hanging out at our houses with our christian friends, we could go to a coffee shop just to meet someone new who might just need someone to help make some repairs on their portch. all that i am saying is that it's time that we ( i use we becuase i am deeply grieved that i have not done better) added some tangibility to our faith by living like we actually wanted to be like Jesus. if you want the heart...go.

love begats love which begats love and so on and so forth...

a recent conversation via email that i have been apart of has really gotten me pretty bummed...not so bummed that the rest of the day seems lost, but bummed enough to feel the need to talk about this right now (1:35am). im not angry or upset, but simply saddened at what some people have told me. before i discuss what was said and why it bothers me so much, i would like to define two words:

fear-to be afraid or feel anxious and apprehensive about a possible or probable situation or event.

faith-complete confidence in a person or plan; loyalty or allegiance to a cause or person

now that you know that let me explain what is bothering me so much...when i read the new testament (specifically the gospels) and see hanging out with sinners, teaching his disciples, or performing one of his many miracles i never felt like jesus was trying to make disciples by scarring them into the descision. granted everyone (no matter who you are, where you come from, or how how hard you try not to) brings something-some sort of preconceived notion-to the table (becuase it is humanly impossible to read the bible in a completely objective manner), but even with that it seems to only make sense that jesus impacted people's lives out of love, not with fear.

but in this conversation that i have been apart of, the other contributor mad e the comment that "like it or not, jesus was a 'hell-fire' preacher" and that people needed to know that they were dying and going to hell. the question that immediately popped in my head is, "how can that possibly lead to faith?" for instance, if you lived on a small island with 100 people on your side. and one day you hear that on the other side of the island there is this king who has established an extremely powerful kingdom, and that he is coming to your half to kill all those who oppose him. the next day the kings army shows up and some of the soldier insist that all you have to do is bow and you will be spared from a life of torture and punishment. naturally, that person going to do whatever it takes to save himself from such a fate, but he will not bow out of love for the king but out of fear.

fear can force you to do all the right things for all the wrong reasons, but love gives birth to more love. what is it exactly that we christians are doing when we tell people that they are heading for an eternity in hell if the don't repent right now? we are creating fear, not true love. it is love that leads to faith and loyalty. in the end, fear subsides and ends up in rebelion, but love begats love which begats more love. i know that it can't work everytime. what i am getting at though is if you walk down the street and tell a random man or woman that she is dying and going to hell they will do one of two things: a) tell you to piss off of b) "repent" and go back to the same life a month later. on the other end, if you walk down the street and meet person, take them to lunch, find out what their needs are, do your best to meet them, and when they ask why tell the you and jesus love them, i can see i much bigger window opening that will lead to love. and love gives birth to faith.

we are saved by grace through faith, not fear. we cannot (no matter how much we want to) replace faith with fear.

oh the colors...

this is the most quiet moment of my week, and it's everything i dreamed it could be. but there is one thing that has been rolling around in my head the past few days. it started when i had a conversation with a friend (who name i will spare for his/her sake), and the further we got into the conversation the more and more frustrated i got at how (for lack of a better word) stupid some "christians" can be. it amazes me that "christians" today try and paint the world black and white, insisting that some things are always right and the rest is always "evil". it takes everything in me at moments like these to not point my finger and blame the state of "christianity" on legalistic fundies, but to do so would defeat my own arguement (so i respectfully disagree with them). most of us have been in a church setting in which we are told what to believe...but never why. that is how it was for me in the latter half of my teenage christian walk, but then i met some people who encouraged me to start thinking... and through these men Christ set me free.

why christianity has become o.k. with the easy answers. we don't want to learn about truth and beauty, we just want our music labeled. we don't want to learn about politics and government, we just want to be told who "Jesus would vote for" (which in my opinion if some guy thinks he know who Jesus would vote for he has got some brass... well lets just say he is bold...). we don't want to learn about moderation and liberty, because "good christians" prefer a shot of grape juice. we don't want to learn how to live like a free man, love our enemies, or listen to the Spirit, we just want a new law and more rules (because supposedly that will make things better). we don't want to know if the answers aren't easy, and we want everything brought down from the mountains for us without having to go up there ourselves! the only thing is there is no use in trading a law you could never keep but can free you, for one can but can't get you anything!
****much of the above paragraph is adopted from Derek Webb's song "A New Law".

when did christians stop being o.k. with not being able understand everything about the Unknowable God? when did we let go of the life Christ called us to (which is and impossible one, but the one we are called to nonetheless), for our own cheap imitation of it? it truely breaks my heart that we have divided the world in half between good and evil, when, whether we want to admit it or not, this world is littered with "gray areas". the only problem with some christians today is instead of embracing their freedom, they slam on more and more chains. i do not intend to say that everything is fair game, but i do intend to say that most of us need stop living like the pastor's pet parot (yes that was alliteration for sake of alliteration, try it sometime) and use the beautiful mind that Christ has given to us. its time to stop being told what to think about everything, and embrace being free in Christ and try on liberty!

it's a beautiful, colorful world with things we will never be able to fully get a handle on, but that is what makes this life so great. we have freedom in Christ, not to live in whatever fasion we please, but to embody love and be purveyors of it in whatever fasion necessary to help prepare this beautiful, multi-colored world for the kingdom of God!