progress

i had the pleasure of sitting down and having a great conversation over coffee with two good friends of mine just the other day. we jumped from topic to topic discussing how each of us felt about any given issue, but one of the topics rang in my head for the rest of the day.

we were discussing what "success" meant or should mean for a church leader. one of my friends raised a very interesting point when he said, "i think success shouldn't be about numbers, but about growth." in my head, that seemed to sum it all up, but, at the same time, it seemed to be lacking something. after taking time to think about it, i think there might be a little more to that idea than meets the eye.

as followers of christ, what is success for us? is it numbers? is it growth? is it even possible to reach a point of success? success implies the end...the goal of any given task or journey, but what should success look like for us in this upside down kingdom of god? is there a point at which we achieve that which we are seeking? and if so, what happens when we get there?

maybe success looks nothing like we think it should (as thing usually do in this way of life). according to leo tolstoy, progress is success for christians. progress implies the ongoing effort for that which we seek. progress is constant and doesn't stop. it keeps going. tolstoy argues that the crux of the christian faith rests on continual, not on achieving and goal. tolstoy states,

• "[success] consists only in walking in the choosen way, in getting nearer to inward perfection in the imitation of christ, and outward perfection in the establishment of the kingdom of god. the greater of less blessedness of a man depends, according to this doctrine, not on the degree of perfection to which he has attained, but on the greater or less swiftness with which he is pursuing it.

doesn't it make so much sense? we are not called to be like the pharisees and become stagnant in the perfection we have achieved so far, but, instead, we are called to be like zacceus and the woman at the well and the robber on the cross, who were in constant progress toward perfection. we must continually remind ourselves that "it was the lost sheep that was dearer than than the ninety-nine that were not lost," and it was the "stationary righteousness" of the pharisees that christ despised.

i think that tolstoy was spot on when thinking this way. i also think my friend was just as right. we are not called to get to some place and stop, but to go...continually. too often we think we have made it to the end and reached the goal, but, really, it is only the beginning. there is always room for us to grow and more to learn, but too often we think we have made it to the end.

let us not become stuck in the "stationary righteousness" of the pharisees...

let us keep going...

let us keep pressing on...

let us keep making...progress...

where the heart is...

i love home...i love my house. i love my brother and my parents. i love my friends. i love savannah and its beautiful downtown streets. i love my church. i love everything about my home...

but even at "home" i feel away from home. i can't seem to feel like i am where supposed to be. it's strange when you feel like you belong somewhere else when you are at home. home is supposed to be the one place where you can always feel like you belong, but i can't seem to find that here anymore.

this is not the fault of any of my family or friends. my mom and dad have always given me the best, and i love them more than any words could explain. my brother is my best friend, and i wouldn't know what to do without him. my friends mean the world to me and have always been there for me. you guys have done nothing but love and provide for me, but something still feels...incomplete. i love "home", but i feel like my heart is somewhere else. i love my friends and family, but my heart is not here at "home".

these past few months have been out of control. i went from being absolutely sure about what i was going to do with my life, to have no clue about what i am supposed to do or how i'm going to do it. it's scary to look down the road in front of you and have no idea where it will lead you, but to know that this is the one you must take. this is where i am, frustrated and waiting.

i am ready to begin my journey down the road, but i know it is not time yet. i am ready to find where it is in this world i belong, but i know i must wait a little longer. they say, "home is where the heart is," but i don't know where my heart is right now. i may not know where it is that my heart is, but i intend to find it. i don't know where i'll end up, but i can't wait to be there.

i don't know where to look, but i will...

it's scary, but i trust christ will take me to a place i can belong and call home...

i am ready now, but i must wait a little longer...

another great day

today was a good day...

today i had the chance to be with friends while loving some people we've never met before. it was nice to be able to focus on someone else today besides myself. i'm not using exams as a cop-out, but things do get extremely busy during those last few weeks in a semester. it's hard to take a break from something you're paying that much money to do, but i know that that is no excuse.

someone told me once that as christians we must continuously fight to be the last things on our minds. it's hard isn't it? i can't just be me, can it? so many times we justify what we do because we "need" it. we get so caught up in what WE want and need, that the single mother who works 60 hours a week to feed her 4 kids are forgotten about. that's the one thing i struggle with most, just remembering that it's not all about me.

the best part of my day was at the very end of our hot dog hand out. we had just finished playing footbal with some guys we met in the park. i was hot, sweaty and (most pressing) hungry. after i had settled down and cooled off a little i decided that i could eat. i got to the table and there was one hot dog left. in my head i screamed, "salvation!", but it was not to last. just after i finished putting mustard on my delicious looking beef frank, a woman walked up and asked if we had any left. now in my mind i had many justifications for not giving it to her: "she probably doesn't even like mustard", "my hands are dirty, she doesn't walk that all over her hot dog", "but im so hungry", but i couldn't do it. i wanted too, but i just couldn't do it.

at that moment, while i was trying to justify taking a bite of that hot dog, i realized something. i didn't know how hungry she was, i did't know what she were she was in life, and i didn't know what she had to go home to. now i realize that a hot dog can't fix her life, but knowing that someone care might. that moment got me thinking. how often do i choose to take a bite (metaphorically) of the hot dog and choose myself over another? we are called to be last, but how often do we choose to be first?

that one moment made the entire day worth it to me. if everyone else would have turned down the hot dogs, and she was the only who asked, then i would have still given it to her. why? because it liberated me from myself. i was released from my own chains because i chose to love like christ did.

it was a good day....

i think i'll do it some more...

fleeting hope

do you ever feel like it's all over? like there is nothing left you can do? like any effort is futile?...

i know that there have been times in my life where i didn't know why i was even trying anymore. sometimes the fight is too much, and there is nothing we can do to stop what is coming. things happen that we have no control over, and the light of hope begins to fade and that's just for me. i have no idea what people who have real problems begin to feel this time of year.

i have no idea what it is like to not be able to buy your children christmas presents. i have no idea what it is like to spend the holidays on the streets. i have no idea what it feels like to spend christmas day alone without a single phone call. i have no idea what feels like when you think no one cares. unfortunately, we are too distracted by all the pretty lights, commercials for the lastest thing, and the vision of sugarplums dancing in our heads.

there is so much hurt at this time of year, but much of the time we are so focused on our christmas plays, hanging the lights, and shopping lists that many fall between the cracks. this time of year is supposed to be a time to remember that hope that came to us in christ, but, unfortunately, it gets lost in all the wrapping paper. this time of year is supposed to be one of peace and goodwill towards men, but, unfortunately, 30% off is grounds to trample another human being to death at the local wal-mart. this time of year is supposed to be a cheerful one for everyone, but, unfortunately, many spend it alone thinking no one cares.

it this time of year that so many are forgotten about...

that so many give up...

that so many loose hope...

we have the chance to make this time of year what it should be, even if only to few people. we have the obligation to see to it that people know we care, so they can know that christ cares. at this time of year we have a chance to bring the hope of christ to those who feel there is none left.

many feel like giving up...

many feel like it isn't worth it...

and we can show them that...

there is always hope.

the problem

i'm a very critical person. i don't think that is any surprise to anyone who has known me for more than a day. because i am so critical, i know what i like and what i don't like, and i find myself spending much of my time at church (or a church related event) picking it all apart and telling myself what i would do differently. i hate so much that i do that, but it is who i am and has brought me to the point i am at right now.

as i was sitting in d-group with a group of my friends discussing what we thought was most and least important for the modern day church, i realized something. i realized that what i was taking part in was getting us no where. we all knew what we felt was important and what was not, but none of us was truely doing anything to see the church become what we felt it was meant to be. sure we are all attending churches, we are all doing our own thing to serve the community, but none of us is doing anything to see that the church becomes what we believe it was meant to be.

what we are doing though, is sitting around talking about what we don't like and what we would do differently...like so many other christians in the world. what is wrong is that we are only contributing to the problem. everyone is willing to put there opinion in the mix, but only a fraction is trying to bring about that which they whole-heartedly believe in.

i think that is where i am. i'm so tired of only contributing to the problem and not seeking to be a part of the solution. i'm tired of talking about what i believe the church should look like and not actively doing what i can to see that it looks that way in my life. i hope that i'm not alone on this one. i'm not saying there is nothing good happening in the church, but many have forgotten what it was meant to look like (that one is for another time).

we could talk about this all day, but i don't want to...

we could have the greatest ideas yet, but unless it is acted upon it's worthless...

i just want to be a part of the solution, not the problem...